If you have the attention span of a gnat with down’s syndrome, don’t bother reading this.
In the wake of Hulkageddon, I am left with an sad frown on my face, and with a newfound dislike for humanity at large. Now, let’s not pretend I like the human race prior of course, I’m too old and too smart to fall for the “people are nice” scam. People aren’t nice, but there is different kinds of being not nice, it’s a gradient of of not-niceness that goes all the way from people who are scum but manage to pretend they are not completely self-absorbed assholes, to people who are just visibly, audibly and tangibly not nice people.
I don’t like people very much. This is not the reason I am a Miner in EVE however.
EVE to me is an amusing past time, it’s a game, it’s a pastime that offers a diversion from the rat race of day to day life.
What it is not is a virtual life to be lived in the mind-crushing blandness that pervades your every other waking moment.
Let us observe the Pirate, we all see the pirate almost every time we log into EVE, but we never consider the pirate. The pirate does not play the game I do, the pirate is repeating the motions of his mundane life, in the far-flung space future of New Eden. He isn't diligent, he is unproductive, he is fucking boring as shit.
I hate the pirate.
I mean I really, really hate the pirate.
The amazing thing is, I socialize with various “good guys” in EVE on a daily basis, they are by and large;- Funny, sociable, entertaining, inventive and Frightfully smart. If you pull one over on one of them they will call you a dick and it’s all good.
If you screw over a pirate, you get to see the profound, deeply disturbed nature, of mental disorders. Nothing, NOTHING I have ever seen on the internet is as incredibly comedic as the ANGER of a pirate that got screwed somehow. You will never see full-blown, foaming at the mouth anger, like that of the pirate.
And I hate them for it, I hate how they are too fucking stupid too fucking conditioned by their spineless day to day lives to accept any responsibility for anything that happens to them. It’s part of the New American Way.
It’s never your fault.
It’s Chribba! It’s CCP! It’s all the +5.0s!
It’s not MY fault I’m too fucking stupid to look at local or my overview. I can’t be expected to care for my own safety in this Player-versus-player video game.
FUCK YOU. Fuck you up your flaccid asshole with a baseball bat. Is that how you live your ACTUAL life? Do you cry to the government because gasoline prices are up? Do you even understand that the fact your government SUCKS is because YOU SUCK. You elected them afterall.
“Yeah but I didn’t vote for these guys”
“But there is no good politicians to vote for”
FUCK YOU. That’s your fucking responsability. Especially to my american friends; If you think your government is fucking you over, and there is no honest politician to elect left, why don’t you TAKE those goddamned firearms and DO something about it. Afterall, that is why you claim to have the right to bear them. Fuck.
And it’s this same mental disability that filters into our online games, this complete inability to grasp WHY you are being ganked/scammed/bullied. It’s because you are a victim. And Bad People like me, we can smell you. You smell like food. And we know you will fight back, because you are too goddamned lazy to even CONSIDER not doing it. And that is why you will always be a victim.
You don’t blame the zebra for eating the loin.
And when we get the pirate, you get to watch his rising anger. Deep inside he is mad at himself, because in there somewhere, below a pile of dollar-bills, half digested tasteless TV dinners is the vestigal remnants of a human soul, trying so hard to change things. And then a glass of pepsi drowns out the noise.
“Fuck you carebear! you are a fucking psychopath! You are a stupid moron! I hate you and I want you to die.”
And with that, I’ve just been wished to death for the 436th time by someone who is angry with themselves but cannot admit it. And I’m the psycho.
After a while of course, you get used to that, the initial shock and disbelief at such incredible stupidity gives way to interest. Anyone that knows me will attest, I am an insatiably curious person. I NEED to KNOW shit.
It’s not an optional thing, I will sit through fucking horrible movies JUST BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW. I will play terrible video games to see the ending. I voluntarily read the fucking Illiad.
And it is with this same interest, the same motivation of the child pulling the wings off the fly, that I pick at the psychology of the pirate. I don’t understand these people, I can’t understand why someone would gank all day, I need to know.
So I do nice, moral, good shit to them just to hear the sound of their gratefullness. I do comparative analysis of what kind of hug or praise makes them the mst grateful, I want to see what name to call their mother in reply to their lovemail to get the best love-filled rant in my mailbox. It’s a smorgasbord, a cornucopia, of diseased minds out there, ripe for the poking.
Of course what I’m doing is not really evil or immoral, from where I sit, it’s still pixels on a screen. They have no value past the value people assign to it. But the game has changed, there are now pieces on the board, they make sound if you squeeze them, and the sound is different every time.
It’s like an 80-90’s boardgame with a giant plastic tiki-god with a voice chip that says something in a grainy voice every time you push the button! It’s glorious, it’s fantastic, it’s a look into what happens when you make a human mind do the same thing it does every day, that is to say, perform a boring repetitive job, and you obstruct it, and there is no normal social inhibition to stop the mind from showing it’s REAL response.
During the run-up to HAGII I received a comment on the blog, it compared me to childrens Tv charactors, each responsible for for giving children eduction and fun. That in itself is kind of flattering, though I’m afraid I must admit I do not yet have the resources to round up and teach a random ethnic group of children purely for my own amusement. I'm working on it.
No, the stunning thing here, is that I was compared to Papa Smurf AND Po from the teletubbies at the SAME TIME.
The more astute and historically inclined amongst you will see why this juxtaposition is incredibly funny.
For the more stupid and uneducated amongst you (I hate you), that is like saying I am like an apple and an orange at the same time. They are both Fruit, but VERY DIFFERENT kinds of fruit.
Moreover, they are mutually exclusive kinds of fruit. If it’s an apple. it can’t be an orange.
And that, my friends, is what actually made me mad about EVE for the very first time.
If you are too fucking retarded, not to realize, the two simple facts that:
- MINING in a video game IS NOT EQUAL to the teaching of 6 million kids.
- Papa Smurf and Po from the teletubbies ARE NOT compatible with each other in any way or form.
Then I hate your guts, and you should be fucking reading a book instead of destroying your remaining braincells staring at a Tacheon beam laser II or a Warp distruption field generator.
WHAT THE CHRIST MAN? Life is too short to waste it like that, have some fucking fun, don’t play a game to perform a task more boring than flipping burgers, a task so SHITTY most people aren’t even at the keyboard to perform it!?
But if you say that, what happens NEXT is really going to blow your mind. You see, now you have insulted “their way of life”. Way of life? YOU HAVE NO LIFE YOU DUMB COCKSUCKER.
And when you even imply, in a rational and friendly manner that maybe they could change their behaviour slightly, to improve their own chances in the game. Well… you get called Papa Smurf by angry space nuns belonging to a make-believe-unrecognized-religion, and some other WalMart employee wishes Bowel Cancer on you.
You are all psychotic aspergers sufferers. Seek. professional. help.
And then there is people like Zill. Zill is an old character by EVE standards, sold at least twice to new owners, hasn’t killed anything since 2005. Zill loves me on the forum, I am his chosen Best friend, he likes to do everything he can to make it seem like I am somehow intelligent, or socially awesome. This, of course, coming from a person that bought a 5-year old character to sit in a newbie corp telling stories of “the old days” that he never witnessed in person.
The mind boggles.
And after that there comes the sycophants and the copycats. “Hey skye, thier guna do a freightergeddon next!” “Hey skye thier guna do haulergeddon next!” “hey skye watch out for jitageddon next”.
I’ll do your fucking mom next you goddamned mouthbreathing piece of shit.
Can’t you think of your OWN thing to escape the pirates? You don’t need me. I’m not a nintendo, you don’t swap my cartridge and watch a different ship type die. Fuck you man, fuck you and your uninspired dim-witted mind. I didn’t fucking invent hiding in a station. All I did was put it in effective and non-entertaining format for people to be safe. Christ.
Go make a scavenger hunt or a race or do something other than asking me to do shit FOR you.
Mynxee said it best, the only people that get bored in EVE are boring people. And it’s true, there is always a metric shitton of stuff you could go do, all it takes is the Will to just go out and DO IT.
But coming back to Zill, he is an example of a different breed of person I love. The Lover.
The Lover is a person that will look at something you have achieved, and then use every broken rationale to try to prove it was good and important. “You accomplished everything!” “You dare fight things that shoot back!” “You’re too smart to live in low-sec”
Guess where I live in EVE you shitsticks.
The reason behind this is love, you will find these people wherever you go in life, and so you find them in EVE. These are people who have loads of ideas, who can enjoy themselves, and they LOVE anyone that accomplishes anything of note, or has a large amount of fun. They are OUTGOING, they like it when someone else receives attention. They turn pink like marshmellows and take to their keyboard, typing with furious intensity, their awe and love of who you are. Because that is what they want to do, they don’t want to like what you DID or what you THOUGHT, they want to LOVE you. Because there is plenty of room in their world for you, your fun, your accomplishments.
I love people like that. They are superhuman piles of win, they are one of the few people I hope live so they can procreate their malodorous semen and magically conceive a NEW generation of WIN.
But, I still haven’t said why I play EVE, or why I hid during Hulkageddon…
Because it’s fucking SAFE.
And now that I know I can make you love me with everything I do, and that you fuzzle with love every time someone says “Hey man, cool solution”. Now, I have an even better game. It’s making you happy, it’s making you HAVE to be responsible for at least something in you aweome, super life.
I love it. And I’m going for the highscore motherfucker.
Me, and all of my 2 cool friends (including my dog), we’re going to hug you until you feel the love too, and we are going to love carebeary moment of it.
I am one of your Angels, New Eden. And I am a happy smiling Superstar about now 
